Life Beyond the Comfort Zone
“Everything you want is on the other side of fear” This quote recently hit me hard. Since last Spring, life has hit me with one trigger after another in a way that I haven’t experienced in a very long time. I think one thing that comes with surviving the unthinkable is that you no longer get the privilege to live with the naive belief that the unthinkable won’t ever happen again. I’ve unintentionally relinquished my own freedom because of my own fear and paranoia. With every article I read about a missing girl in my area, the deeper I began to sink into my own darkness. I live in the city of my deepest trauma. Some days when I’m walking into the grocery store, that realization hits and I’m overcome with paranoia so earth-shattering that it knocks me down for days.
Not one person is immune to fear. I’ve fought fear my entire life. But one thing I have learned in my life is that feeling fear isn’t what defines you. It is what you decide to do with it that does. Maybe it’s just my inner stubbornness, but I chose a long time ago to not allow my fear to win. So what does a sane person do in this predicament? Book a solo trip out of state. I found a photography retreat on the coast of Oregon and I booked it before I could give myself a single reason not to. Up until this point, I was doing everything in my power to not be alone. It was getting exhausting, but I didn’t like the person I was becoming.
This trip held many firsts. It would be my first solo travel experience. It would be my first time on a plane alone, staying in a hotel alone, and navigating public transportation alone. Because of where I was at mentally, there were nights I considered just selling my ticket.
Before leaving, I worked hard on mentally preparing. I knew that I was going to do it, even if I was doing it with fear. Shortly before leaving, my mom mailed me a letter with a torn-out magazine page attached. She had it on one of her own solo travels. She has kept it with her for the past ten years and now she’s passed it on to me. Facebook memories later revealed that I flew out ten years from the exact day she flew. Wow. What a crazy coincidence. Before the retreat started, I decided to spend some time alone exploring Portland. There was one moment when I landed when I thought “what the hell did I just do?” I was running late, and I missed my shuttle to my hotel. Not only did I miss it, but I also watched as it drove off in the distance without me. I fought back tears and almost started crying right there in front of everyone. However, I told myself to pull it together and figure the situation out. I got myself a $40 Uber and finally got to my hotel. I was so exhausted I think I passed out the second I got to my room.
The next day was glorious. The city didn’t feel as scary in the daytime. My day was spent wandering art museums, Powell’s bookstore, and seeing sights like St. John’s Bridge. I obviously had to try some wildly extra donuts from Voodoo Donuts. When it rained, I sat alone in a coffee shop looking out at the city. I couldn’t believe I was actually doing this when a month prior going to the grocery store almost gave me a panic attack. I will be honest, the day wasn’t completely free of anxiety, but I was doing the damn thing and that was all that mattered to me.
I can still vividly remember how it felt to leave the busy city and drive toward the coast. The trees stood tall, and the weather quickly became foggy. I had to play the Twilight soundtrack to set the mood obviously. When I arrived at the beach house, I was in complete awe. This beach house was something I could never have afforded if I wasn’t splitting the coast with a giant group of strangers.
Our beach house was located about a five-minute walk to Proposal Rock Beach. I will never forget the cool salty ocean air as we all ditched our shoes and ran as fast as we could to the beach. I was with a bunch of strangers, but we all felt like we were best friends. The rolling waves had our jeans soaking wet, but we didn’t care. I don’t know if I ever felt so free.
It saddens me to think about all I would have missed if I had given in to my fear. I’ve never been surrounded by so many encouraging, talented, and inspiring women in one place. The memories and the friendships I’ll never forget. If I had never impulsively booked this trip, I wouldn’t have met my friend Audrey. Since this trip, I have flown to second shoot two out-of-state weddings with Audrey. I was able to board the plane with confidence each time. It’s been exhilarating to walk directly into fear and come out the other side. I am learning I’m braver than I ever thought possible. I needed to do this for my fifteen-year-old self who wouldn’t leave the safety of her home. I did this for my future self so that maybe she will fearlessly run toward her dreams. I’m doing this so that one day I can raise children without holding them back by my own fear. From start to finish I’ve felt God’s hand in it all to a degree I can’t yet put into words. Sometimes you just have to let go and just trust. Being brave is so much deeper than the absence of fear. It’s continuing despite it.
I’m a survivor. A warrior. Even when I don’t feel like it. Today marks a decade since my abduction. In so many ways I am better than the person I was even a year ago. I’m doing things my past self wouldn’t have dared to do. I used to think justice was confined to a courtroom. But for me, it now means unapologetically taking my life back. You aren’t brave because you don’t feel fear. You are brave for putting yourself through the work of overcoming it.
